Drow Discover The Joys of Caffiene
by Raablyn
Summary: Drow discover the joys of Caffiene. What more can you say?


_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

Episode One

Drow Discover The Joys Of Caffiene

(Be afraid)

Note: this takes place before Matron Baenre was chopped in half by Bruenor - yayyy! Go Bruenor! Go Bruenor - so, thus, she is alive.

_In Melee Magthere:_

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

A student by the name of Tathdrin Kelduis swung from a rope he had tied to the ceiling, waving a wooden pole in one hand and yelling for all to here.

"Hey!" another student grabbed the pole and was lifted off his feet as Tathdrin spiraled away, heading for a window -

CRASH!

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" both cried as they spiraled out then fell back in. They collapsed in the room, breathing hard, and trying to untangle themselves.

No one paid any attention to them.

That was because the Sweet City of Spiders had descovered the joys of caffienated coffee.

"Dude, lookit this!" another student yelled, slamming an object into another student's face. "Three in a row! Count 'em!"

The student, having been slammed in the face with a heavy iron disk, toppled over, completely unconcious.

"See!" the student, who went by the name of Rhyldax, waved the iron disk around, taking no notice of the body. "You saw! THREE IN A ROW! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He ran away, only to smack into another student.

"Watch it!" the 5th year cried angrily.

"You!" the student cried back.

"Oh, you'll pay for that!" the student seized an object and held it out to the disk-wielder. "Behold the power!"

"Nooooooooooooo!" screamed the disk-wielder. "No! Anything but that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

"Yes . . . that!"

The student released the object as he threw it at the disk wielder.

"AAAAAAAAAAA! BUNNY ATTACK, BUNNY ATTACK!" The disk-wielder screamed as the stuffed cute widdle bunny wabbit (with a heart) hit him in the face. He collapsed, curling into the fetal position. "No more bunnies mommy no more bunnies mommy NO MORE BUNNIES MOMMY!"

The iron disk, released by the poor bunny-stricken, sailed through the air (don't ask how, it just did) and struck another student in the head.

"Hey! You scratched me!" the student cried.

Another student stared, open-mouthed, at the other student.

"What?"

"Dude, that was like, iron!"

"Ohhh . . . iblith." the student groaned, toppling.

"I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" sang a student, flapping his arms. Another student, annoyed, picked up a random sword and cut off one of the student's arms.

"Ouch . . . got my wing cut off by some random guyyyyyyyyy!" the student, undaunted, skipped and jumped around. The same student stuck a finger into the birdie-student's eye.

"He stuck a finger right through my eyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"SHUT UP!" the student screamed.

"Now I say goodbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and with that, the one-armed student lept out of the broken window and flapped away into a stalatic.

"Duuuuuuude." a male came up to stare at the student.

"Who are you?" the first student screamed, whipping around.

"The name's Bob." the kid snatched the bloody sword and gave it a twirl, dropping itin the process. Undaunted, he picked the sword up again and repeated the twirl, catching it this time, and lifted it to lay casually across his shoulder. "Oussafinias Bob."

"Oh."

"They're cooooommiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" screamed a 1st year, running by wildly. "There's no stopping them! THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE . . . ouch." the last part was sort of muffled, as the student had just run into the wall.

"Who's here?" several students shrieked.

"Why, them!" the student turned around with wild eyes. "The very embodiments of evil! THE VERY EMBODIMENTS OF EVIL!"

"The surface elves?" one student cried.

"The gnomes?" another asked.

"The bunnies?" another shrieked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BUNNIES!" the previously fetal-positioned student lept up and ran out the door. "Bunnies, bunnies, BUNNIES, AAAAH!"

"Ummm . .. " a student watching the bunny-crazed student murmered.

"Actually, I was going to say the dancing pineapples, but bunnies is good." the 1st year said.

"Oh . . . "

_In Arach-Tilinith:_

Illiamune Zauurnen, a student at Arach-Tinilith, ran screaming down the hall.

"What is it?" several people asked as she fled by. "Not as if we care, because we don't, but we're going to ask anyway, despite the fact that we don't care."

She just kept screaming.

"WHAT?" Triel Baenre, Mistress of ARach-Tilinith, finally screamed when Illiamune ran smack into her, nearly bowing her over.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she just kept screaming.

Finally, Triel slapped her on the face.

"What is it!" she yelled.

"They're here!" screamed Illiamune hysterically.

"Who?" Triel asked again.

"They!"

"Who's they?"

"Them!"

"Who's them?"

"They!"

"Who's . . . ah, iblith."Triel muttered, giving up. "Where are they?"

"Here!"

"Where here?"

"Near!" Illiamune gestured wildly.

"Which way is near?" Triel looked Illiamune in the eye.

"Over there!" she pointed behind her.

"When did they get in?" Triel sighed, choosing a new approach.

"Then!"

"When is then?"

"Now!"

"Now?" Triel asked skeptically.

"Now!" Illiamune nodded.

"Just now?"

"Yes!"

"Just now."

"Well . . . a bit before now, actually." Illiamune admitted.

"So . . . " Triel said slowly. "Let me get this straight. They, which is them, got here now, which is then, because the now when they got here is past, and they're near, which is over there, which is here? Am I right?"

"Yes!"

"And exactly what is they?"

Illiamune's eyes got wide. "See no evil!" she screamed, falling to her knees and clapping her hand sover her eyes.

"What!"

"Here no evil!" Illiamune, keeping her eyes screwed shut, transfered her hands to clap over her ears.

"What?"

"Think no evil!"

"What?" several more students came out of classrooms to stare at the girl.

"AAAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T DO THAT!" screamed Illiamune.

"Oooookayyyy." Sinavinril Despzynge, another student, said slowly.

"What's going on?" Qilanylene Teken'und, another student, asked.

"Well, apparently, they, which is them, got here now, which is then, because the now when they got here is past, and they're near, which is over there, which is here." A third student said.

"How'd you know?"

"I listen." was the smug reply.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A forth ran up behind Illiamune. "She's not lying! Arach-Tinilith has been infested by . . . by . . . "

"What?"

" . . . bunnies."

A period of silence ensued.

"WHO WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO RELEASE THE BUNNIES?" Triel screamed.

"_I was_!" the flying male student with the awful singing voice called out, waving his free arm. "I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyyy - "

"SHUT UP!" was the collective scream.

"What's his name?" one female demanded.

"Azhoel." Sinavinril told her.

"I knew that!"

"No, that's his name. Maejorr Azhoel."

"Oh."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Qilanylene screamed, turning and running as fast as she could.

"What?" cried several females.

"Look!" Sabriia Kensek cried, pointing.

There was a bunny.

"Aw." a female cooed. "It's so cute and widdle and sweet and - "

"NNOOOOOOOOO! SHE'S UNDER THE POWER OF THE BUNNIES! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!" the other students screamed, running away.

_In Sorcere:_

"Master Gromph, ah . . . I believe we have a problem." a timid student told the Great and Powerful and Very Handsome Master of Sorcere.

"What?" muttered Gromph.

"Ah . . . I believe that the bunnies have overrun Arach-Tinilith."

"You believe?"

"I believe."

"Well, then there's only one thing to do."

"I believe so, sir."

"Are you ready?" Gromph asked.

"I believe so, sir."

"Yee-haw! Giddiup!" cried Gromph, and he and the student rode off intoa portal leading to the sunseton ponies waving cowboy hats.

_In the Baenre Chapel:_

"Let me get this straight." Matron Baenre said slowly, looking Triel in the eye. "Arach-Tinilithand Sorcere have been overrun by bunnies, Gromph and a worthless student have disappeared, the instructors of Melee-Magthere have been found lock inside closets, and the young students from each school are caffienated and running around outside. Am I correct?"

"Yes, Matron Baenre." Triel answered. From somewhere in the complex, the riding lizards reared and cried out.

Behind Triel, the other signifigant Baenre daughters - Quenthel, Bladen'Kerst, Sos'Umptu, and Vendes - shifted, nodded, or averted their eyes. Iymstra, one of the lesser daughters, was off to the side, recording the meeting. Dantrag, the secondboy, stood behind his sisters.

"And what of you?" Matron Baenre shot at him.

"Ahh . . . " Dantrag, caught off-guard, stammered.

"What of the guards?" demanded Matron Baenre.

"What of them . . . Yvonnel?" asked Dantrag innocently.

"WHAT!" screamed Matron Baenre.

"Yvonnel!" screamed Dantrag, who had been infected by the Caffiene. "Yvonnel, Yvonnel, Yvonnel!" and with that he cartwheeled out of the room, leaving many stunned females in hsi wake and laughing maniacally.

" . . . the uoi'nota?" muttered Matron Baenre.

_In the streets of Menzoberranzan:_

"Are you a male?" a female asked Tathdrin.

"Si!" he nodded

"Ok!" the female grabbedthe maleand kissed him smack on the lips, then ran on, laughing wildly.

Everywhere were drow, dancing, cartwheeling, screaming, jumping, groveling, waving, walking, running, sprinting, shrieking, spinning, twirling,fighting, arguing, laughing, levitating, bowing, flirting, and a manner of otheractions unlisted here.

"Bow down!" a male apprentice of Sorcere cried, groveling before a rock. "Bow down to the might of the rock!"

"Die, you fool, you dare to rhyme badly!" a female screamed, swiping at a male with a strip of dried rothe.

"_Izil Usstan ssinssrigg ulu da'urzotreth dossta rathrae_." sang another female, picking up a lizard from a merchant's stall and dancing with it.

"Hey!" the merchant cried. "That's my lizard!"

The dancing female paused to knock the merchant out with her mace.

"Baby Charlmae is yours!" a hysterical female screamed as she ran up to the unconcious merchant, slapping him hard. "I'll not stand to have you deny her!" and with this the female collapsed on the floor, weeping.

"Are you a male?" another female asked Tathdrin.

"Yes!"

She kissed him smack on the lips and ran on.

"Are youa male?" another asked.

"Yeah!" Tathdrin grinned.

She kissed him on the lips and ran on.

"Yay!" yelled Tathdrin. "Three females! In ONE DAY! Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh, go me, go me, it's my birthday, it's my birthday, YEAH!"

"Bow down to the rockie!"

"I'm dancing with a lizard, I'm dancing with a lizard!"

"Nyah nyah nyah!"

"Guacamole!" a male cried out.

"Whack the moley! WHACK IT!" a female shrieked, grabbing her mace and attempting to whack him.

"Aaaaah! Don't whack me!" the male screamed, dodging the blow and running away, the mace-wielding female in hot pursuit.

"Death to the evil surface dudes!" a dark elf screamed.

"DEATH TO THE EVIL SURFACE DUDES!" more than a few screamed back enthusiastically.

"WHOOOHOOO!" a male cried out.

"Death to the oppressors!"

"DEATH TO THE OPPRESSORS!"

"WHOOOHOOO!"

"Death to the bunnies!"

"DEATH TO THE BUNNIES!"

"WHOOOHOOO!"

"Death to whoever's going 'whoohoo!'"

"DEATH TO THE WHOOHOOER!"

"WHO - ah, iblith." the Whoohooer said, turning and running as a group of bloodthirsty drow ran after him.

_In The Council Room:_

"Matrons, mistresses, and mothers, I must say we have a problem." Haelice K'dravsrae, Matron Mother of House K'dravsrae, stated.

"We know you have a problem, Haelice, you don't need to say that again." snapped Matron Oblodra.

"Did you know that Gromph Baenre named his pet rat after you?" Haelice snapped back.

"WHAT?"

"Yes - K'yorli is her name, and she is quite like her namesake."

"Why, why, you _waela usstan'sargh bista jyzumar auflaque_ - "

"Z'lonzic!" cried Matron Baenre. "Enough, both of you! You're acting like males!"

The Matron Mothers shut up.

"That's better!" she took a deep breath. "Now, you all, we have a serious problem. Caffiene has infected our three schools! How are we to stop this?"

"I believe I know how." another Matron said calmly.

"How, then?"

"Caffiene has been invented by the _llar-draeval xsa_ surfacers. For what reason, I know not. But it is counteracted with glowing purple fire enchanted with a _dispel caffiene_ spell."

"How long does it take to make such a spell?"

"A day."

"Fine. Are we all in favor of the spell?"

Cries of 'xas,' 'nau,' and 'xal' answered her. She decieded to ignore them all.

"Fine! It's set. Matron, prepare your spells with your mages."

"When should I begin?"

"Why are you still here?" Matron Baenre snapped.

The other Matron bowed and left.

_In the streets of Menzoberranzan, a few hours later:_

Everyone was asleep. Everyone. The people, the subterranean crickets, the lizards, the rocks.

It was quiet.

Mages ofHouse Ican'trememberhowtospelldarted here and there, trying not to wake the sleeping students as they slipped torches into racks all over the city.

When everyone woke up, the powerful effects of the caffiene were effectively counteracted, and the drow students got to the task of kicking all the bunnies out of Tier-Breche on their furry little t'zarrethen. Everything went back to normal. For a little while.

Then came the Time of Troubles, when the magic torches stopped burning.

Be afraid!

* * *

_Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!_

_Do you like? Do you hate? This was fun to write!_

_Coming up: Moon Elves Meet Sugar!_

_All who review get the next chapter dedicated to them, PLUS a cookie!_

_Thanks!_


End file.
